Happiness

Today my yoga teacher said if you're trying to combat negative self narrative, the best thing to do is work on positive affirmations.

So I thought, rather than write a blog post about what's making me sad, I would write a blog post about happiness.

I attended a lecture the other day in which the rabbi said that people are truly happy when they are doing what they know they should be doing.

I wondered if that was true for me, and I thought the best way to figure it out is to think about the moments in my life I was happiest, and see what they were about.  I made a list on the bus back to Tel Aviv, and now I'm putting it in chronological order and expounding.

This feels kind of super arrogant writing.  It's about like... all good things I've done and how much people love me. But that's the exercise, so whatever.

Some observations...
8/10 moments feature friends and/or family. 2 are alone, and 1 is special because it was alone.
4/10 involve creative production or performance in some way
0/10 involve romance, which is interesting to me because it's such a treasured thing for me and most people. And it's not because I'm censoring myself, and it's not because I haven't had profound romantic experiences. But when I think of those moments "happiness" is not the term that comes to mind. "Poignant" might be better.  The rabbi said "Don't confuse happiness with pleasure" and I think that's pretty key.
5/10 involve parties in some way, which is interesting because I usually think I'm not so into parties, but 50% of my happiest memories contain parties

Do I feel these moments involve things I should be doing?

I'm too exhausted to analyze this right now. What do you think? Do you think the Rabbi is right?

What are our happiest memories?


1) Driving with friends in Nashua and listening to the Postal Service

I just have this distinct memory of driving with Bryant, Cball, and Cassie I think, and it was late summer and sticky during the day but cool at night, and the windows were rolled down and we were listening to Clark Gable and sticking our hands out into the air, except for the end when we all did the claps together, synchronized. And I just remember thinking how much I loved the people in the car, and how perfectly content I was when I was with them.

2) The Vagina Monologues and the After Party

When I was a senior in undergrad I got to be the Moaner in the Vagina Monologues, which is apparently not a thing in Israel?  For the Israelis reading this, it's a play which is a set of monologues generally around women's sexual empowerment. And this was a dream role of mine, as I got to fake about a million orgasms on stage, which is not something you get to do every day.  It was great to perform the role, but the best part was that my family came to the final show to support me.  A family that works for women's sexual empowerment together stays together, am I right?  And they participated in all of the audience participation segment, and they were the loudest, as Mandells always are, so I could hear them back stage and it just made me so happy. I felt so loved and supported.  And afterward my friends and I got drunk with my parents and we told family stories and it was the best.


3) My Brother's Wedding

This was a great night. My entire family was there, even the Frenchies, and there was so much dancing and delicious food. I had the feeling my family was expanding, that the future was being enhanced, that more love and happiness was entering our lives, that stronger bonds were being built. I especially remember the after party in my parents' hotel room with the screwdrivers. And I just felt so secure and optimistic and surrounded by love.

4) EF Farewell Party

I loved working at EF, both times. And both of the farewell parties were amazing, but the first one was on a BOAT, so that's why I chose this photo. On both occasions I was overwhelmed by how lucky I was to work in such a cool place, doing such interesting work, with such fabulous, loving, fun people. And I felt supported by all of them that was moving on, but also like I would be missed.  It's really rare that people are genuinely happy for you and still sad you're leaving at the same time, but they all were, and it was such an amazing way to start the next chapter of my life, in both cases.

5) Finishing ETHER

Actually, when I finished writing ETHER, my first book, I cried my eyes out. But afterward, really forever afterward, it's been a big happiness for me.  I wrote a book! Beginning, middle, end! I wrote a book. I feel accomplished. I set out to do it and I did it, from scratch, through discipline and a lot of love and sweat.

6) Giving my Talk about Tears and My Friends Showing Up
Before I left grad school, I gave a talk about Weeping in Grimm, and it was a great experience. I got to present work I'd been developing for a long time, something I was really passionate about, in front of scholars I had admired for years, and I'm really proud of how I did. And on top of most of the folklore field being in attendance, most of my friends were in attendance, too. They just kept coming in and coming in until a lot had to stand in the back, and after my panel was over I couldn't count the hugs. It takes a true friend to show up for a talk on an esoteric subject. And it made me really emotional to see how many of my friends would do that.  And my family, of course <3.

Angel and Me and Lily at the party Mitch and Angel threw for me after! They ever had tear-shaped ice cubes!

Here is a link, queued up to the Q&A, because it's funny and frankly, I think I was a BAMF.  Also I love how my friend who was a biologist came in there at the end to back me up.  A little help from your friends <3.

7) My Bat Mitzvah On Masada With Birthright
Birthright as a whole was a highlight of my life for sure, and my Bat Mitzvah was the highlight of birthright. The hike was really hard and I felt accomplished at the top, and the view was so gorgeous I felt so lucky to be there, and I felt connected to history through the site.  And then on top of that I got to participate in Jewish ritual, which linked me to peoplehood, and I got to give a little Torah analysis and a little speech, and thank all of my new friends, and then they all hugged me and threw candy and I just felt surrounded by kin. And I felt so much hope for the future and so much intrigue about where my life was about to go.

8) Jordan Solo

I wanted to go to Jordan last summer and all of my friends couldn't go so I just went. And it was amazing. Took my breath away. But the best part was that I did it by myself. I felt so alive the entire time, and I felt so much trust in myself, I felt so close to myself and so... I don't know, I think it's the time in my life that I felt most a friend to myself. An ally. And I just felt so at peace after the trip... basically at one with myself and the universe. :)

9) Being in North Carolina

One of my best friends, Molly, lives in North Carolina with her amazing husband Chris, her baby son Flynn, and her two amazing french bulldogs bella and luna. I love visiting them. I'm pretty much totally content the entire time I'm there, from airport gate to airport gate.  All we do is watch movies, eat delicious food (pub cheese... fried mushrooms... friend chicken... hush puppies... amazing mexican...), go to my favorite jewelry store on earth, and play with the dogs. For days. And it is pure bliss.

I pass out when I'm in NC basically every 5 mins. I'm just so at ease. I feel so loved and I'm so content and there's always a puppy to snuggle.

10) Walking Forever with Lily

Lily's basically my soulmate. She just gets me. She just hears me. Always. Last year we got together every Thursday, and it was always a highlight of my week.  One Thursday, near the end, before she moved to LA and I moved to Israel, we ate at our favorite vegan place and I remember telling her things that made her cry for me, and how it was the first time, I think the only time, I'd ever seen someone cry because of some pain that *I* had. It's a really profound feeling.

And afterwards I walked her home, but we weren't done talking, so she walked me to the T station, but we weren't done talking, so I walked her home, and then she walked me to the T, and then... and we walked each other, back and forth, until 1 in the morning or so.  Maybe 10 or 12 times. And we could have kept going forever. Sometimes I like to think we never stopped. And we're just walking each other through life.  Or maybe there's another universe somewhere where Ariane and Lily are walking always.

BONUS

I doubt these memories will someday end up on top ten memories of my LIFE, but it's important to recognize happiness in the present moment, too :)

My roomies knew I was down and they each responded promptly. I was holed up in my room listening to music and writing this post, and Ido sends me a text from his basketball game declaring "I'm giving away your phone number to boys that may interest you." At the same time as Yahli sends me a text, from the next room over:

Yahli: Want to go to benedicts?
Me: Yesssss#!!!!$#
Yahli: Pick you up from your room in five?

Is there anything a friend Hollandaise sauce can't fix? Okay, yes. Is there anything a friend and Hollandaise sauce can't vastly improve? No.

One thing I notice, looking back at these, is that most of them are rather unplanned. Even events... did I know that giving that talk and being with my friends that day would be THAT happy? No way. But looking back, it really stuck out in my mind. It makes me think about each day's potential for being really fully of love for friends and family and really intense joy. Maybe even just listening to music in the car. Happiness/God in the mundane is not an original thought, of course :P

And I do feel better having written this.

Count your blessings lovelies <3.  If you're reading this, I love you.  There's one!